>> Laurie McGuinness | Mac PC Spoofs: very funny.
Archive for Jokes and Humor
Subtly Simpsons: What follows is a list of lines from The Simpsons that we, your editors, have found to be particularly witty, often with their humor derived from subtleties of language, esoteric allusions, or just plain wit.
Thanks to Pablo for sending them over…
When truthiness meets gutsiness …
A friend sent me this detailed description of what “Blues” is:
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues. Unless you
stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with
the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple: after you get the first line right, repeat it,
then find something that rhymes. Sort of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice: you stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch - ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues
don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft
and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the
electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place
in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle, is probably just
clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the
best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place
that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues; a woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the
blues; breaking your leg cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall - the lighting
is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color; it's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the blues; Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also
got a leg up on the blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
b. Big Mama
d. Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men:
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name
(see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of
President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot
sing the blues.
I don’t know where it comes from, but this is pretty good.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.
Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time .” -A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’tgonnabelievethisshit….
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides